Because of who?

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
'Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

 

Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trustNot only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

 

I watched you die, I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known
Better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry, in the middle of the night
for the same damn thing

 

Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you,
I am afraid.

.
.
.
A terrible insomnia night yesterday.
that super torture when u are so damn freaking tired but U CANNOT SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
every freaking sentence, every single word in this song knock my brain so hard like a hammer
and strucks my mind AND made it spun like a washing machine THE WHOLE DAMN NIGHT
and that continues until this morning ARGH

SEE! is because of you la!!
sleepless night because of you hmph!
aku cannot trust because of you also!
ku afraid and scare because of you leh!
aku cry and scream during that time in esp also because of you leh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did u feel honored because no one can make me feel like that before? wow :)

but hor..grrrr I did nothing wrong what!
why should u do this to me!! WHY SHOULD U!
i was so cute and innocent and fragile....and noone ever bother to understand my sorrows!
hmph!
THIS IS SO UNFAIR! THIS IS SO MEAN! THIS IS SO CRUEL!
then i cannot even tell anybody, i need to hide, i need to fake a smile oh well! I am so pityful~
okay, ya so to repay this unfairness
I should keep on blaming all those things happened and all WHO made it happened!
I am the victim! why should I quit from this! hey look! I am NOT the wrong one! I will never let this go because this is what I SHOULD feel about! Yeah man! If I let this go, then who will cares about my pride? Ya, I think I should just probably continue to blame..u,u,u,u,and this stupid world 
and hate...?! probably :DDD










well....
is it?

I thought everything had past and gone
but seems not.
I thought I had done enough to let it go with the wind~
But seems it's haven't gone that far.
I wonder why those heart muscles still clinch together when I was being reminded
I keep on asking why? why? WHY?!

because human are prideful.

and is it now going to sing another song ? But I'm only human~~
lol

and then finding actually the real cause was just MYSELF
u never let it go completely..
u thought u did.. why? why not?
because is u who keep on  clinging on the pain
is u who keep on self pitying yourself (john was right)
is u who wants to blame because u think u OUGHT to do that
is u who is waiting for someone who will never exist to come and tries to comfort u?
is u who allows yourself to feel bad for yourself
and also is u who let the darkness keeps on haunting you and eating you up
this is cruel, but is the truth.. = =

hey, valerie chang
what are you still holding on?
dont u ever think all those sadness was not only because of the people, but yourself?
                    
time flies, things had changed
why are u still struggling to let go this piece of broken vase?
you asked God to take away the sadness, He did!
God did His part, then... what about you?
you are still narrow-minded, because of the nature pride, u don't FEEL like to let this go aren't you?
this is just pure stubborn, oh taurus... oh ...

so there you goes, started to blame everything AGAIN when u heard those type of songs..:)

yes, now I know why, why sleepless night
yeah,
this is not a song for u to cling on to your sadness
this is not for you to let u feel that you are so pityful,
"yeah everyone is the bad guy, I am the good guy.."
"...aww~ i am so pityful that I cried alone in the middle of the night..:'( "
o.0 have to admit this could be so asham to say it all out,
because you never trust anyone so nobody ever knows about you much,
and this is so surprising for everyone ! xD
wow!

But i think is enough.. it's really enough!
I had enough of myself, I shouldn't go on like this anymore
enough of the sorrows that I made for myself, enough for all the endless nights, enough of blaming just to satisfy your pride!
at the end of the day,what's the purpose of self-pitying if there's a Him who love you so much
who back up for u and then loves all your dark side and be with you during all those darkest time?
walao eh! why keep on licking your wounds and dont let it dry up?

yes, u are really pityful, when u really think u are!

Of course you can still choose to blame and hate and complain,
of course you can still feeling yourself so pityful
of course you can still desire for someone to hug and kiss and dotes on u
of course you can still drowning up yourself in your own misery
of course you still can!
but that's going to hurt you even more!
when problems come, u will continue to blame and feel so sad for yourself and complain everything is unfair
and then u will have tons of sleepless night
So go ahead! If you want to continue being someone like that :D

:(
Being honest to yourself really isn't easy, in fact, it could be the hardest thing ever in this life
The truth are always so hard to face, you wanna run away from those real ugly stuff about yourself
u act, u fake,
like an ostrich u run away from it
and practice on a real good mask
but then u realize that was so tired,
buried and hid it doesn't mean that it will disappear!
Out of sight, but never out of mind
u thought nobody understands u
nobody will ever love all your dark sides
nobody will ever want to care about u
and then u feel you are so pityful.. aww
and then u scream why why why why am I here to suffer from all those silly stuffs?!!!??!
meaningless life!

stupid babi!
why always forgot that very stupidly-endless-sacrifice mom? and dad? and HIM??
o o..
sorry Lord, I don't mean to be disrespectful :P
cause is just not normal to love that much for someone who dont really deserve it
okay, maybe as a mortal, as human's limited knowledge of LOVE

and then, while searching for the lyrics of "because of you" by kelly clarkson
I accidentally found this which kind of leads me to all those honest conversation to myself without myself realized.
lol once again
:D thank you God for actually guiding me to the roots of my problems,
although it might not look so good and it's kind of disgusting but yet u give me the courage to deal with it! hahaha
and also give me the courage to be honest with it!

So this is another version of because of You,
which actually links to the upper version
because, because of this version of Because of You, I got something new from that old Because of You!
with a grateful heart, always remember this, ah moi valerie:

Because of You, I was born again
Because of You, I'm ransomed by Your grace
Because of You, my heart has found a home
A refuge for my soul

Because of You, sins are washed away
Because of You, heaven knows my name
Because of You, I can live again
You've broken every chain

Unfailing Love, so unreserved
You gave Yourself on Calvary
And now I stand, forever free
My Saviour rescued me.

Because of You, the weak say "I am strong"
Because of You, the broken have a song
Because of You, there's no need to fear
Hope steadfast, ever sure

Now heaven, be open

Our God is, unshaken

We worship, Christ risen

High above

Now heaven, be open

All kingdoms, all nations

Declare that "You are God"

so hopefully,
I got a real FULLSTOP this time :D

Jie er! another novel for you to read! xD