What am I doing now?

I gave up engineering
I gave up the sponsorship to Germany to study for free
I chose Architecture
I chose to stay here
And then I wanted to quit.

I know I was among the Top poly students but the BELOW AVERAGE here. I know that I don't even meet the standard they want it here

I know the school fee is darn ex and I will be the Slave of Loan once I graduate also not to forget about the extra cost of all those materials I need for architecture and the burden I bring to my family

I know university doesn't guarantee you to succeed in life. I felt as if all these years I was just wasting my time in poly and going to waste five more years in Uni and by then all your friends is going to fly in their career but you still crawling on the ground to find your way.

I know the past few weeks are tough and rough. I couldn't find the meaning to stay. Couldn't find any meaning in it.

I know I chose it myself.

I chose it

I chose it

I chose it.

My family doesn't want me to give up. (Even though I chose the selfish way to stay here)
I chose it myself. I chose Archi.
Now, don't you like it? Yea, I enjoy it.

But still, there are these big things: MONEY, ABILITY & TIME
I felt that I can't possibly outwin them.


Or can I?
..
..



One day SOMEONE showed me her bookmark.

(then I copied it down to a piece of paper)

" This is the beginning of a New Day.

God has given me this day to use it as I will.

I can waste it or grow in its light and be of service to others. 

But what I do with this day is important because I have exchanged a day of my life for it.

When tomorrow comes, (please don't continue with : "I'll be on my own..")

Today will be gone forever.

I hope I will not regret the price I paid for it."

Sometimes little words of encouragement is enough to save you from drowning
:'((':
And Inspiration comes when you shower hehe
What's the reason to be here? My tutor asked this question on the first day: why pay so much to come here? He said Not only because of the cert (obviously)but also because of the people. This might be the only chance that you get to meet so many smart people across the world. I was like, oh really?okay.
Then it's true, they are so damn smart. Yet I became too overwhelmed by the difference between me and my classmates for the past few weeks. Turns out I feel SO NOT ENOUGH to stay.

But wait, is that true?

Why don't you try to keep it up instead of quitting?
Why don't you try to strive to be better instead of complaining?
Why don't you cherish your time to learn from smarter people instead of feeling not enough?

And isn't to become better is what you always want?
To become better for the sake of your loved ones.
Hmm?

Then came the days to sign the MOE Tuition Grant (Once signed, no turning back)


So,
Now that I have chosen to stay, I hope I make the days count.
I hope there are no more days of griefs
To improve a little every single day
To remind me to be HUMBLE and GRATEFUL tiap-tiap hari
To go back to Pontian every week to see my parents
To be strong and smart enough to survive
To not to forget the self-authenticity just to fit in
To Gain the "thick skin & elastic heart" at the end of the day
I hope I can out win MONEY TIME & ABILITY
no regrets in the next five years
I hope my hope is not just some vain wishes but proven by actions
I want to make this choice count.
That one day my parents could say: "Oh luckily you never go to Germany and stay for Archi."


yet 
I am nervous, terrified and weak...
(but I got You and you and you and you and you and you and you and you!!
Yes, it's all that matters.
And I love you all.)




Sincerely,
By the struggling VV which is finally settling down
#signdown