Amazed.

I am feeling sooo tired now!!!

so Esp camp of 2013 had just ended!!!

and there's so much things to say!!!


actually before going to the camp,
I wasn't feeling really excited though
okay la, maybe a bit excited but I wasn't expecting the camp will be better than the years before
I thought, the years before was like already damn amazing and there's nothing special for me to see this year already

But deep in my heart, I was hoping maybe this time I, myself, can feel Him in me
yes, not one of the spectators anymore,
can really encounter His holy spirit in me!!
In meeeeee!!!
although I wish for this la, but hor as I always know, Big expectation comes Big disappointment
so I didn really trust this will happen.

just feel suibian la, see what can I learn lo
then I went with a cincai heart, not expecting alot though

ya la, as usual, I always had that little faith.
even smaller than one cell

then the first day,the day we arrived there, was quite a disappointing day...
because No handsome guy in my group hahaha seriously
no lah, cause nothing exciting happened
I was happy but not excited
even worship session made me feel disappointed,
because it was not that good as Last Last year esp camp
just so so only
(sorry for the team la I was just being honest...)

ya, I didn really expect something will happened
quite disappointing you know

Then the second day came
the first session was given by Pastor Sebastian
He was quite charming ya!!
as I began to listen to his story,
tears secretly flowed down from my eyes
so secret haha I guessed no one saw
He was a rebellious kid before, aiya that type you can see in alot teenagers nowadays
no study, act cool, gangster, go clubbing, have drugs, no hope , no life, commit suicide 3 times, hated God with all his heart...etc
he said his bag is filled of fighting tools but not fill with books

then a turning point came,
he was encouraged by a leader to go to a church camp
He hated it at first of course, because he hated God
But he went, and he prayed to God that if He was there, please show Him something
(something like that ...)
Then he told us how he encountered God
a really amazing testimony

but at first I dont know why I dont believe in him at all
I keep on asking myself, really? really? really?!??!!
Maybe I always doubt people, pastors are also human mah!
He can be telling the false thing, who knows!!
And plus the way he encountered God is too amazing to believe
so I keep on linking him with the 'mau-ke-tak' speaker which had been to our school before
hahaha sorry pastor ....
I was stubborn I know!

but his session was really convincing
his words are full of power and strength
as if he understand and know all of us
he knew the weakness of our heart
and he understand how we felt, because he was a teenager before too

he got a different thing from other pastors or leader I met before
That is the 同理心

他讲的东西就是正中红心那种
听了心就很gangkor

可是因为不相信很多所谓的好事、miracle,
因为这世上太多谎言了
所以每次都不是很相信
就算是亲眼看见还是会有很多理由跑出来我的头脑叫我不要太相信
好像有墙壁一直挡在心里这样跟我讲 诶，可能是骗人的

所以后来我就没有什么被感动
因为要保护自己= =

可是当我看到 khor, (I hope you wont be unhappy I said it here ah!!)
她一直在哭
我就在想为什么
明明是一个很感人的东西 可是我没有感觉也 我是不是应该感到很感动
一开始听到的那种感动也不见了

明明我就有被God 感动过
所以应该更了解pastor 讲的东西才对吗

而且 不知道为什么明明很想哭 很想也像她这样被感动
可是就是哭不出！！！！！！！
很想release it out
把那堵墙壁推翻
but 好像有石头塞在我的泪腺
应该是心里那份疑惑吧 doubts!!!
好啊你！

可是也许也是因为在意别人的目光？我旁边超多人！！
可能是另一个声音跟我说不要相信
在苦苦挣扎啊！！

then I pray, I pray that dont let all the distractions pull me away
this is a golden opportunity to feel Him
so I keep praying hey God, I have so much doubts in You but can u just let me put all the doubts aside and feel You?!??!?!?!?!
Can You TOUCH my heart?!?!?!

then pastor call out those who want to let go of troubles go in front
I went! just to try it, see whether got anything happened or not
I tell myself just focus this time, focus this time on Him,
dont let other things distract me

and I really ask Him to touch me

who knows, the moment I step out, I started to feel very 喘 and keep on shivering

then without I realised I started to scream like 中邪
I covered my face with my hands and I felt tears!!! gosh I cried like a baby = =
when I recall back I think all the people around me must got freak out by me
as I never cry in front of friends, moreover there's so much people there = =

but that's something I cannot control myself!!!
and during that time I couldn't think of whose beside me or whatever,
just cried like a mad woman screaming and shouting
can use 歇斯底里 to describe
and then I just fell down because cannot stand leh, dont know why feel so weak

luckily someone caught me, it's sarah!!
she blabbered alot of things in my ears
I knew she did but I cannot hear her
I really dont know why
Dont know is because my voice too loud or too agitate or perhaps spirit was working inside me

I think I lose myself!!!!!!! but strangely I still got concious,
I knew I was acting like a moron and crazy woman
but just cannot help to stop from crying and shouting

That was the first time I ever felt like that
so weak
helpless

and alot things I cannot remember that night
oh ya! I remember when I cried I can hear pastor sebastian saying things that just strike my heart
so strongly
Ya, It's holy spirit let him understand what's in my heart
一直讲我的弱点
then let me cry like 水龙头

after that
Albert they all got asked me what happened but I just dont know how to tell them
got a bit embarrassed by that you know ...
plus alot of things I still do not understand
So I just said I dont know, yeah maybe some I know but just dont feel like to say

but when I think of it after a few days,
and
I think He let myself be able to cry out all the things I hide so deep in my heart
hatred, hurts, rejections or whatever
the high wall I used to build in my heart
is like the song 心墙，你的心有一道墙 但我发现一扇窗
but no, no windows, He just break it ( like a wrecking ball haha)
and after crying out
I feel so good
hahahahhaha
He mend it!!!

now I think is okay to tell everything !!
because alot more things happened the next day and next next day!
which change alot of my perspective and views

you know pastor sebastian actually said
一天会比一天更好
he said in english la I forgot how to say le
but I dont really believe and take no notice in this sentence

because I thought the thing that happened in the first session already very amazing
and there's nothing going to happen after that
因为最不可能发生的事情发生了 剩下几天应该没有什么了吧
就算有什么事也不会多特别了阿


而且就算我知道那歇斯底里是God's touch
可是到后来我还是在想
哎呀 虽然这种歇斯底里是有一点奇迹
可是还是不明白为什么会很喘 那种喘整天
为什么会发抖
是因为冷是不是
然后一直帮自己找理由为什么会发生这种事


不知道为什么就是很固执 okay la 半信半疑


第三天
有一点期待有什么事会发生
可是就不太认为有什么东西会发生
早上是讲关于mentor的
有一点无聊 因为很正经 可是我还是有听！！
然后也不觉得有什么会发生在我的身上
就真的没有
只是我啦 别人有！！


晚上 又是pastor sebastian了
我很期待！！
期待有什么东西会发生
有很多事情发生是真的
也是这个时候 我就一直问
诶God, can let me know obviously is You come ma??
I want obviously, pleaseeee, because i've been making alot of excuses and reasons

因为当那个气氛来的时候
也就是holy spirit come的时候
会突然一直觉得很喘
很突然那种
而且一直喘大气
心跳很快很快很快
我还一度怀疑是不是中asthma .... = =
 然后嘴巴一直抖

因为我虽然知道是Holy spirit but 也可能是air con 很冷吗
哈哈
后来当喘气走过后
我就自己try喘看看
可是喘不起来

然后我看到很多人在哭
我没有哭！！
只是很喘 我旁边的一个小男孩在哭
我就过去跟他pray
也不知道哪来的勇气
holy spirit 给我的勇气

pray 了过后
又很喘
喘到很辛苦
我就祷告
让其它的distraction走开吧
你快点进来
然后就喘到没有力
还好xiu Ann过来抱住我
我就很顺势地躺在她身上
哈哈 也不懂她在pray什么
一直喘喘喘喘喘喘
可是就很温暖
很窝心
我也有帮她pray haha

后来一切都停止过后
就很开心
不知道为什么
哈哈哈哈

噢 这个时候有一个叫rachel的女生
突然会讲方言！！
speak in tongue haha
真的很special
speak in tongue 就是讲一种没有人听得懂的语言
是heaven language来的

就这样 整个就是超级喜悦的气氛
很浓厚的感觉
 哈哈
好想永远这样


最后一天早上
心里很是很相信God 可是还是有很多很多疑惑
最后一天了
也不觉得有什么事情会发生
可以回家了还蛮开心的！！

I really had such little faith

pastor said God told him day will be better and better
more good things will happen

it's sooo true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and that time was brother Ryan session
I could hardly focus on what he said
but I knew it was something about holy spirit
and I gained alot knowledge based on what he shared
but I was still so tired as I slept on 3am the previous day

after he finished his sharing,
he called out for the one who want to receive the gift of Holy Spirit---- speak in tongue
I dont really want to go out, because last time got pastor prayed for me too but I never got it
and I knew if I didn't receive it, my trust in God will be shaken again
that's why, because I had such little faith in Him
really little..

but luckily Tricia told me : "Aiya 去试试看一下吗"
ya lor, got to try first ma

then i went out

wow that was really amazing
even myself  吓到

the feeling of holy spirit was sooo strong
you know at first I could hardly focus myself on God
because Shawn Chin was playing the keyboard,
I keep on looking at him lol

then I knew I could not continue like that
so I prayed that God will bring all the distraction away
as I was so easily distracted

and then before I realised,
I started to shiver again
my mouth keep on 抖抖抖
i felt 喘 again out of sudden
then got someone come to pray for me
I forgot is who..... maybe pastor peggy or ryan...
she keep said receive!! receive!!
my mouth keep on shivering
she said speak!! speak it out
and I blabbed out some words which sounds like Tamil...
then my legs suddenly feel so weak and I cannot stand
the feeling is really something hard to describe
I fall again, 从后面倒下去 好像晕倒这样
只是我是有意识的
really bo lat ah

then somebody cover me with jacket
my mouth keep on shivering shivering
after that I open my eyes and got up
I started to speak in tongue!!

It's really very strange because my mouth keep on shivers itself
although I felt so hot that day after jumping alot in worship
and my tongue moved itself...

At first I was so shocked by my mouth hahaha
and it sounds so hilarious like talking in random words which I couldn't understand at all...
I was really excited!!!

but later I was thinking will it be myself who created all these??
which I just simply saying some random soundlike-indian-words
very strange one leh, when I thought of this my 喘all gone
then I tried to say again, like simply talk some random words but
I CANNOT!!

so I quite sure that it wasn't me who made up all these
then I tried to focus again and started to pray in tongue

by this time I saw leow leow lied down on the floor...
I was quite shocked actually
she never ever 没有形象 in front of me

ya but I felt glad because she felt the holy spirit as well :D
Hallelujah!!!

then she came to me
and I pray in tongue for her as we hug each other
that was such a wonderful time


ok lah, I better dont tell too much about what happened to her
should let her say herself
haha

So glad :DD

So joyous moment

The holy spirit was SUPER strong the last day
U can heard alot of people laying on the floor
crying and shouting
and speaking in heaven language

is sooo AMAZING!
I'd never seen this before!!

in the past esp camp, I did seen a few case like this,
but not so strong like yesterday!!!
and during those years I never really feel it myself before

How wonderful and beautiful!!

and I recalled what sebastian said on the first session,
"Forget all the past esp camps!!
This esp camp gonna be different!"
that time I heard this I was like, yeah ke? how issit possible...

but yes, so true!!!!
with the presence of God, yes!

this pastor really has a big faith in God
they all had
really, so wonderful!


Alot of joyous moments happened there
we played alot, have lots of fun
ya, there's alot more things I can said about this camp
but, nothing can ever compare with the presence of God in us

is not only me felt that,
every JGPC youths felt it too
and I guess everyone who attended the camp was amazed too

maybe those who came first time might felt so surprise by that
but yes, Thank God for having me and all the people be able to join this camp
to have such a wonderful chance to know You more


I had always questioned about christianity deep in my heart,
I do believe, but I doubted alot
and that pulls me aways from the relationship with Him
there was a time where I dont even believe He was there,
you know got someone told me: " christian is 洗脑 的啦" ( brainwashing)
at first I was quite angry as my belief got challenged
then I began to feel so sad and hopeless during that time,
ya lor hor, I never see Him mah,
what if the God I believed doesn't even exist??
then I had being brainwashed for so many years that even I dont know !!!

but when I saw all the things that He did, I dont know how to not believe,
okay, then I will believe, but doubts were still flooded my mind
my faith is soooo small
and I was always in a dilemma, although I do believe God



So last time before this camp I prayed
that I need something to make sure You exist,
like very obvious one!!
I want to feel You, okay?

And God answer all my prayers through this camp!
Miraculously


Thank God for everything happened
wow!!!
at first He destroyed the high wall built in my heart,
the had took over the wall and shield my heart,
then by the time I had no burden in my heart any more,
He came in
Holy Spirit came

there's nothing can be more wonderful than this

and pleaseeee
Dont let this feeling burn out,
Dont let all the worldly matters pull me away from You
Nonono

I will just trust in You
Thank God !!!!!!!!!!

Joy, Peace, Love,
only God can give all these
Strength!!!



Yes!!!
this post so long, I think no one will ever read all bah
nevermind, typing is alot more faster than writing in diary
so I choose here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


well,
Anyway..

Soldier of Christ,
I am ready!!

Thank You and Love You!