Bye 2013!

Saying goodbye to 2013 means

I will be telling people I am 18 sooooon!!

This is..

so damn fast and furious!!!!

18 was such a farrrr distance for me once!!!!!
Yet now I am reaching it in a blink of an eye!!!!!!!!!
unbelievable!!!

And now I am going to be 75% adult now
TT
Nvm still not completely grown ups hehe
Oh!don't see what you don't have, see what you have!!!
I still have 25% kid remains!

Hurray!!!!!

seriously
Growing up is so cruel....
:(

But what to do? Accept!!
And make life colourful!!!

Aiya
2013 is my spm year
And
It's not that horrible as I thought it will be
But still ...... horrible! for the exam part laa

And thank God for everything I had learned in this wonderful year!!!

You did everything for a purpose and now I am getting to understand it more and more

Learning is awesome
I don't  mean study ah...

And I am still learning!!!
It might be painful and difficult during the process but the outcome will always worth it!

Basically,
This whole year the biggest mistake I made was
Keep on WORRY things that was not meant to be worried
And didn't actually worry things that I need to worry about

I know God provide and thou shall not worry much
Okay maybe I mean 'care' here

So sadddd
TT

Okay

I will learn to ... Grow up

And what the biggest thing I ever learned in this year is that
You shall not decide your values from people
But from the One and Almighty!

Your value is based on God
Not people!!!!

And ya I m still trying to apply this knowledge ohoho!

Okay so tired ....... Oh ya I should open the letter for myself a year ago later!!!!
I nearly forgot!!!!
Soooo excited!!!!!! XD
Hehe I wrote letters to the future me every beginning of the year!!!

Sleep first laa
The three idiots made me slept at 4 yesterday!!

Goodbye! :D

Ohh

I was bother soooo much by human relationships.

As usual, the biggest problem in my life..!

Human are complicated right? That's why things get complicated in my brain as well

I have alot to say, but can I?

I can't! Because that's too selfish

So i pray that God can guide me through everything

Let me think more maturely 

Let me know what is right to do

Let me not think of myself only as life is about us, not me!!!!!

Let me have a forgiving heart, that's important

Ya, say is definitely easy as kacang, abc or 1plus1

To Do is so damn difficult!

But what to do?

I've got to mengharungi all those things to complete my journey of life

There's more waiting for me right?

I really really pray that God can let me put this to an end

For it's been years...!

And I guess i had to magnify the important ones in my life

The ones who deserve my attention and love

But not focus and magnify all the hurtful things

Yaaaa!!!!

Should be thankful!! And remember the song 'catch my breath'

Aha!!!

#thankful #thankful #gratitude

But bury problems is definitely not the solution of it 

So i should find a way to solve it too!

Trust the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it!!! Hehe

Erm

Heyyyy!
I don't know you will ever read this
But I think this is the best place to write

I want to tell you sorry..really...
:(
We should have care more about you as a friend

I know things have split into two
As two always hard to unbalance
And ya this is unbalance!!!
So I really really hope we can become one again...!
Despite anything unhappy

sorry that I did not made my mind correctly
I was confusing all the time too
What should I do best for you and you
To let us becoming one again
but seems like what I did was ever wrong
Or maybe I shouldn't follow one's standard
Just do what I think is right ?

Hey, I don't know what to say
You did a lot of things for us too
Because of what happened and seems like we forgot everything u did for us
Thank you
I m not good at saying things or what la as you know
Just hoping no misunderstanding will be made for what I wrote

Just want to tell you..
Sorry
and we still mind about u!
Really...!

God loves you and we do..too!

It just make me so sad and guilty to see what's in your mind
I think we all have responsibility to what had happened

We do still care about you,
dear!!

Christmas isnt christmas

Christmas had just past!

Theorically Jesus was not born in that day also but I take it as such a day to represent the birth of Christ

Do you know.... Somewhere deep inside u.. Is where Christmas really starts????!

Ahaha
Thank you Lord Jesus!

Christmas day was quite happy !!!!!!
Except for some struggles, for me la

Hehehe

Need to find Sarah again!
But I havent prepare to tell her yet..

Hmm

But anyway
really big thanks to Sarah and John for helping to untie the knots in my heart that day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so scared at first
because of the past experience bah...
But after all they are not the same as others and I m glad I told them
Kekekkee :D

Although u won't see but still thank you!

I know Holy Ghost is the one who is at work

Thanks!
For everything !!!!!!

let it go

Hi i just got home tonight!

Oh how i missed my adorable nice and warm bed :D

The trip was ______ (u may fill in the blank with any words)

But alot of sweet memories were made too with my beloved friends!!

By the way, someone unfollow me and although i may be wondering who was that and feel abit 失落

But !

actually it's a good thing also as I always wish my blog only be seen by some close friends nia!!

Hehehe :D

Here's the main point for what I want to say

I guess if I desire to change so badly, I willl succeed right?!

Yes I will!

That's some kind of goal I've got to achieve

Perhaps the idea of playact might be really useful too!

I will keep trying , 

But first of all have to overcome insecurity

Ermmm, learn to let go for the insincere ones

That's sooo damn difficult

/.\

Nevermind, gotto remember to

 

trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

-proverbs 3:5

Goodnight.

Amazed.

I am feeling sooo tired now!!!

so Esp camp of 2013 had just ended!!!

and there's so much things to say!!!


actually before going to the camp,
I wasn't feeling really excited though
okay la, maybe a bit excited but I wasn't expecting the camp will be better than the years before
I thought, the years before was like already damn amazing and there's nothing special for me to see this year already

But deep in my heart, I was hoping maybe this time I, myself, can feel Him in me
yes, not one of the spectators anymore,
can really encounter His holy spirit in me!!
In meeeeee!!!
although I wish for this la, but hor as I always know, Big expectation comes Big disappointment
so I didn really trust this will happen.

just feel suibian la, see what can I learn lo
then I went with a cincai heart, not expecting alot though

ya la, as usual, I always had that little faith.
even smaller than one cell

then the first day,the day we arrived there, was quite a disappointing day...
because No handsome guy in my group hahaha seriously
no lah, cause nothing exciting happened
I was happy but not excited
even worship session made me feel disappointed,
because it was not that good as Last Last year esp camp
just so so only
(sorry for the team la I was just being honest...)

ya, I didn really expect something will happened
quite disappointing you know

Then the second day came
the first session was given by Pastor Sebastian
He was quite charming ya!!
as I began to listen to his story,
tears secretly flowed down from my eyes
so secret haha I guessed no one saw
He was a rebellious kid before, aiya that type you can see in alot teenagers nowadays
no study, act cool, gangster, go clubbing, have drugs, no hope , no life, commit suicide 3 times, hated God with all his heart...etc
he said his bag is filled of fighting tools but not fill with books

then a turning point came,
he was encouraged by a leader to go to a church camp
He hated it at first of course, because he hated God
But he went, and he prayed to God that if He was there, please show Him something
(something like that ...)
Then he told us how he encountered God
a really amazing testimony

but at first I dont know why I dont believe in him at all
I keep on asking myself, really? really? really?!??!!
Maybe I always doubt people, pastors are also human mah!
He can be telling the false thing, who knows!!
And plus the way he encountered God is too amazing to believe
so I keep on linking him with the 'mau-ke-tak' speaker which had been to our school before
hahaha sorry pastor ....
I was stubborn I know!

but his session was really convincing
his words are full of power and strength
as if he understand and know all of us
he knew the weakness of our heart
and he understand how we felt, because he was a teenager before too

he got a different thing from other pastors or leader I met before
That is the 同理心

他讲的东西就是正中红心那种
听了心就很gangkor

可是因为不相信很多所谓的好事、miracle,
因为这世上太多谎言了
所以每次都不是很相信
就算是亲眼看见还是会有很多理由跑出来我的头脑叫我不要太相信
好像有墙壁一直挡在心里这样跟我讲 诶，可能是骗人的

所以后来我就没有什么被感动
因为要保护自己= =

可是当我看到 khor, (I hope you wont be unhappy I said it here ah!!)
她一直在哭
我就在想为什么
明明是一个很感人的东西 可是我没有感觉也 我是不是应该感到很感动
一开始听到的那种感动也不见了

明明我就有被God 感动过
所以应该更了解pastor 讲的东西才对吗

而且 不知道为什么明明很想哭 很想也像她这样被感动
可是就是哭不出！！！！！！！
很想release it out
把那堵墙壁推翻
but 好像有石头塞在我的泪腺
应该是心里那份疑惑吧 doubts!!!
好啊你！

可是也许也是因为在意别人的目光？我旁边超多人！！
可能是另一个声音跟我说不要相信
在苦苦挣扎啊！！

then I pray, I pray that dont let all the distractions pull me away
this is a golden opportunity to feel Him
so I keep praying hey God, I have so much doubts in You but can u just let me put all the doubts aside and feel You?!??!?!?!?!
Can You TOUCH my heart?!?!?!

then pastor call out those who want to let go of troubles go in front
I went! just to try it, see whether got anything happened or not
I tell myself just focus this time, focus this time on Him,
dont let other things distract me

and I really ask Him to touch me

who knows, the moment I step out, I started to feel very 喘 and keep on shivering

then without I realised I started to scream like 中邪
I covered my face with my hands and I felt tears!!! gosh I cried like a baby = =
when I recall back I think all the people around me must got freak out by me
as I never cry in front of friends, moreover there's so much people there = =

but that's something I cannot control myself!!!
and during that time I couldn't think of whose beside me or whatever,
just cried like a mad woman screaming and shouting
can use 歇斯底里 to describe
and then I just fell down because cannot stand leh, dont know why feel so weak

luckily someone caught me, it's sarah!!
she blabbered alot of things in my ears
I knew she did but I cannot hear her
I really dont know why
Dont know is because my voice too loud or too agitate or perhaps spirit was working inside me

I think I lose myself!!!!!!! but strangely I still got concious,
I knew I was acting like a moron and crazy woman
but just cannot help to stop from crying and shouting

That was the first time I ever felt like that
so weak
helpless

and alot things I cannot remember that night
oh ya! I remember when I cried I can hear pastor sebastian saying things that just strike my heart
so strongly
Ya, It's holy spirit let him understand what's in my heart
一直讲我的弱点
then let me cry like 水龙头

after that
Albert they all got asked me what happened but I just dont know how to tell them
got a bit embarrassed by that you know ...
plus alot of things I still do not understand
So I just said I dont know, yeah maybe some I know but just dont feel like to say

but when I think of it after a few days,
and
I think He let myself be able to cry out all the things I hide so deep in my heart
hatred, hurts, rejections or whatever
the high wall I used to build in my heart
is like the song 心墙，你的心有一道墙 但我发现一扇窗
but no, no windows, He just break it ( like a wrecking ball haha)
and after crying out
I feel so good
hahahahhaha
He mend it!!!

now I think is okay to tell everything !!
because alot more things happened the next day and next next day!
which change alot of my perspective and views

you know pastor sebastian actually said
一天会比一天更好
he said in english la I forgot how to say le
but I dont really believe and take no notice in this sentence

because I thought the thing that happened in the first session already very amazing
and there's nothing going to happen after that
因为最不可能发生的事情发生了 剩下几天应该没有什么了吧
就算有什么事也不会多特别了阿


而且就算我知道那歇斯底里是God's touch
可是到后来我还是在想
哎呀 虽然这种歇斯底里是有一点奇迹
可是还是不明白为什么会很喘 那种喘整天
为什么会发抖
是因为冷是不是
然后一直帮自己找理由为什么会发生这种事


不知道为什么就是很固执 okay la 半信半疑


第三天
有一点期待有什么事会发生
可是就不太认为有什么东西会发生
早上是讲关于mentor的
有一点无聊 因为很正经 可是我还是有听！！
然后也不觉得有什么会发生在我的身上
就真的没有
只是我啦 别人有！！


晚上 又是pastor sebastian了
我很期待！！
期待有什么东西会发生
有很多事情发生是真的
也是这个时候 我就一直问
诶God, can let me know obviously is You come ma??
I want obviously, pleaseeee, because i've been making alot of excuses and reasons

因为当那个气氛来的时候
也就是holy spirit come的时候
会突然一直觉得很喘
很突然那种
而且一直喘大气
心跳很快很快很快
我还一度怀疑是不是中asthma .... = =
 然后嘴巴一直抖

因为我虽然知道是Holy spirit but 也可能是air con 很冷吗
哈哈
后来当喘气走过后
我就自己try喘看看
可是喘不起来

然后我看到很多人在哭
我没有哭！！
只是很喘 我旁边的一个小男孩在哭
我就过去跟他pray
也不知道哪来的勇气
holy spirit 给我的勇气

pray 了过后
又很喘
喘到很辛苦
我就祷告
让其它的distraction走开吧
你快点进来
然后就喘到没有力
还好xiu Ann过来抱住我
我就很顺势地躺在她身上
哈哈 也不懂她在pray什么
一直喘喘喘喘喘喘
可是就很温暖
很窝心
我也有帮她pray haha

后来一切都停止过后
就很开心
不知道为什么
哈哈哈哈

噢 这个时候有一个叫rachel的女生
突然会讲方言！！
speak in tongue haha
真的很special
speak in tongue 就是讲一种没有人听得懂的语言
是heaven language来的

就这样 整个就是超级喜悦的气氛
很浓厚的感觉
 哈哈
好想永远这样


最后一天早上
心里很是很相信God 可是还是有很多很多疑惑
最后一天了
也不觉得有什么事情会发生
可以回家了还蛮开心的！！

I really had such little faith

pastor said God told him day will be better and better
more good things will happen

it's sooo true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and that time was brother Ryan session
I could hardly focus on what he said
but I knew it was something about holy spirit
and I gained alot knowledge based on what he shared
but I was still so tired as I slept on 3am the previous day

after he finished his sharing,
he called out for the one who want to receive the gift of Holy Spirit---- speak in tongue
I dont really want to go out, because last time got pastor prayed for me too but I never got it
and I knew if I didn't receive it, my trust in God will be shaken again
that's why, because I had such little faith in Him
really little..

but luckily Tricia told me : "Aiya 去试试看一下吗"
ya lor, got to try first ma

then i went out

wow that was really amazing
even myself  吓到

the feeling of holy spirit was sooo strong
you know at first I could hardly focus myself on God
because Shawn Chin was playing the keyboard,
I keep on looking at him lol

then I knew I could not continue like that
so I prayed that God will bring all the distraction away
as I was so easily distracted

and then before I realised,
I started to shiver again
my mouth keep on 抖抖抖
i felt 喘 again out of sudden
then got someone come to pray for me
I forgot is who..... maybe pastor peggy or ryan...
she keep said receive!! receive!!
my mouth keep on shivering
she said speak!! speak it out
and I blabbed out some words which sounds like Tamil...
then my legs suddenly feel so weak and I cannot stand
the feeling is really something hard to describe
I fall again, 从后面倒下去 好像晕倒这样
只是我是有意识的
really bo lat ah

then somebody cover me with jacket
my mouth keep on shivering shivering
after that I open my eyes and got up
I started to speak in tongue!!

It's really very strange because my mouth keep on shivers itself
although I felt so hot that day after jumping alot in worship
and my tongue moved itself...

At first I was so shocked by my mouth hahaha
and it sounds so hilarious like talking in random words which I couldn't understand at all...
I was really excited!!!

but later I was thinking will it be myself who created all these??
which I just simply saying some random soundlike-indian-words
very strange one leh, when I thought of this my 喘all gone
then I tried to say again, like simply talk some random words but
I CANNOT!!

so I quite sure that it wasn't me who made up all these
then I tried to focus again and started to pray in tongue

by this time I saw leow leow lied down on the floor...
I was quite shocked actually
she never ever 没有形象 in front of me

ya but I felt glad because she felt the holy spirit as well :D
Hallelujah!!!

then she came to me
and I pray in tongue for her as we hug each other
that was such a wonderful time


ok lah, I better dont tell too much about what happened to her
should let her say herself
haha

So glad :DD

So joyous moment

The holy spirit was SUPER strong the last day
U can heard alot of people laying on the floor
crying and shouting
and speaking in heaven language

is sooo AMAZING!
I'd never seen this before!!

in the past esp camp, I did seen a few case like this,
but not so strong like yesterday!!!
and during those years I never really feel it myself before

How wonderful and beautiful!!

and I recalled what sebastian said on the first session,
"Forget all the past esp camps!!
This esp camp gonna be different!"
that time I heard this I was like, yeah ke? how issit possible...

but yes, so true!!!!
with the presence of God, yes!

this pastor really has a big faith in God
they all had
really, so wonderful!


Alot of joyous moments happened there
we played alot, have lots of fun
ya, there's alot more things I can said about this camp
but, nothing can ever compare with the presence of God in us

is not only me felt that,
every JGPC youths felt it too
and I guess everyone who attended the camp was amazed too

maybe those who came first time might felt so surprise by that
but yes, Thank God for having me and all the people be able to join this camp
to have such a wonderful chance to know You more


I had always questioned about christianity deep in my heart,
I do believe, but I doubted alot
and that pulls me aways from the relationship with Him
there was a time where I dont even believe He was there,
you know got someone told me: " christian is 洗脑 的啦" ( brainwashing)
at first I was quite angry as my belief got challenged
then I began to feel so sad and hopeless during that time,
ya lor hor, I never see Him mah,
what if the God I believed doesn't even exist??
then I had being brainwashed for so many years that even I dont know !!!

but when I saw all the things that He did, I dont know how to not believe,
okay, then I will believe, but doubts were still flooded my mind
my faith is soooo small
and I was always in a dilemma, although I do believe God



So last time before this camp I prayed
that I need something to make sure You exist,
like very obvious one!!
I want to feel You, okay?

And God answer all my prayers through this camp!
Miraculously


Thank God for everything happened
wow!!!
at first He destroyed the high wall built in my heart,
the had took over the wall and shield my heart,
then by the time I had no burden in my heart any more,
He came in
Holy Spirit came

there's nothing can be more wonderful than this

and pleaseeee
Dont let this feeling burn out,
Dont let all the worldly matters pull me away from You
Nonono

I will just trust in You
Thank God !!!!!!!!!!

Joy, Peace, Love,
only God can give all these
Strength!!!



Yes!!!
this post so long, I think no one will ever read all bah
nevermind, typing is alot more faster than writing in diary
so I choose here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


well,
Anyway..

Soldier of Christ,
I am ready!!

Thank You and Love You!

Posted this because i havent sleep

Suddenly remember my doggie had left us a year ago

Johnnie, how are u now? I guess you are pretty fine now :D

And handsome as usual, with healthy fur and body in heaven!!

:D we'll never forget how well behave u are when u were still with us before

Nini! i still remember your stupid and ignorant and cute face looking at me and wagging your tail at me when i was back from school haha

And your ears will went up and down haha (especially when the fireworks exploded bombombom on cny!)

Wowww nini!! Haha

But now I had finished my secondary schoollife already,

And you had left this world for one year already,

I dont know but I got a little bit miss u

Is you that taught me that dont keep complain

Because u never complain, well maybe u did haha I also cannot understand you

But at least u never run away when u had the chance to ahhaa

And u always stayed with us no matter what happened

Ya, things come and go, really fast.....

And really sorry for the things we didn take care of

Sorry that I didn manage to spend more time with you on the last day u had on this bloody world

Sorry....and U left this world, left all the sufferings, ya i m glad for u on that

But just sorry, haha i know u never blame someone cause no matter what we did,

 u will STILL wag your tail at us when we called u! Ha

I will never forget your eyes, how pure and beautiful,

And never forget how brave you were!!! Even when u were sick

Ya!! U also taught me to be brave ya brave!! 

Thank God for sending you to my small house which is not really warm for u to stay...

You are such a lovely cute and silly dog :)

Yeah i use are because u are still staying in my heart now!

We are more than grateful to have u before,

yeah, although it's past tense 

but still, never gonna forget you~~

Nini!!!!!!! : )

Well, its been a year my mum said want to find a new dog

A YEAR ALREADY!!!

Time flies so fast like.....windwalking, windrunner... Etc

I hope we have faceless void to lock the time for us

Or maybe earthshaker to stun time , to not letting time run away

hmm lol

Recently, not recent bah this two days played quite lots of dota

So i now i kinda confuse whether the purpose for my determination is correct or not

I just want to make a perfect ending, or rather say perfect, i just dont want to leave any regret for this

But I dont want to be tied up by this, or afraid things will keep go on like nonstop

So... Still confusing.. 

Issit a right decision huh?

I dont know why everything typed out looks so different from what i felt= =

Nevermind, no matter what happen I willl try not to run away but face it!

You see, even nini can face hardships so bravely, 

So can I !

A whole new world~~~

很喜欢那种可以不用顾忌那么多的感觉！！

就是你说的那首 打开窗你会看到悲伤融化

就好像好希望可以好好地打开窗口透透气

可是 就是少了那么点勇气

没有标点符号整个看起来很凶很落寞酱 哈哈

我试试看啊

其实哄 考试是考完了

照理来说应该是要非常自由放松开心？？

至少考试之前我瞳景的是这样

可是好像每个重要的结束就是另一个开始

很快的 突然发现 我要18了！！

不知道为什么 小时候听18岁就是哇 大人 

半只脚已踏入大人的标签

大家所盼望的18岁 就是要思想成熟

虽然有时候没有的也要装有是不是

如果要到游乐场去玩滑梯好像就不行了...

虽然是很幼稚 可是为什么长大就是不可以玩勒

只是size比较大而已吗

不可以蹦蹦跳跳 以我的样子看来不适合我知道哈哈

这种疑问好像也很幼稚哈哈

没有啦其实这还是其次

十八岁 好像真的还没有什么准备好 

就要勉强去做半个大人

啊 可是没办法 生活的定律

每次看到一堆小孩在那里嬉闹 羡慕死了！！！！

玩乐是一切 ！！！！ 

反而现在 开始要进入脱离温室的阶段

很快的 出现了多几分责任在自己身上

很多时候 许多事物也是从这个阶段后开始改变

以后 我看你你看我 也许很多东西都不一样了

TT

现实的世界教会我有这种想法的

曾经总是让人那么舍不得！！！！

可是就算有多舍不得又能怎样 又怎样！

还是要继续

中学那么快就来到了终点！ 五年来确实是常常不懂都在干嘛

哈哈 害我现在不知如何是好

我不想我不想我不想长大

你知道还有很多为什么的啦

总之就是还有太多东西没有准备好！

我还是很温室 拿去外面种不懂会不会枯死

哎呀 白痴

不要想那么多了！ 反正世事有正反两面

也是有正的一面啊！！

新的开始新的阶段

 好啦！

反正都要到来 

就要努力好好地迎接它！

:D

感慨一下

长大 其实就是一眨眼的事

嗯 就其实是一篇很突然的恍然大悟

就这样咯

总之要努力打开窗口啊 :D

加油加油加油！

Picture got abit worn out

And i loook scary.... Lol

Anw, this was When we were twelve!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

We had known each other since five... Hahahhaa

Time flies!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Appreciate u forever :D